20 Things I Learned in my 20s

I turn 30 today. My 20s were filled with highs I’ll never forget: interning at the White House, meeting and falling in love with my fiancee, graduating from my dream law school. It also had its lows: fleeting suicidal thoughts in the pandemic, burnout, being bitched out by more than one boss, & losing $500 trying to get rich quick with Gamestop stock.

Your 20’s promise to be a beautiful, lonely, loud, expansive, chaotic, and explorative ride. 

Here are the most important 20 things I learned in the last decade.

1. It’s not that serious

No matter what it is. A breakup, career, an interview you bombed. There will be things in life that you can trick yourself into thinking are so important, especially in your 20’s. For me, it was being “the best” in school to get the best job possible. But in the long run, most things we fret over don’t matter all that much. This includes failures, drama with friends, breakups, or doing something cringe. Health - both physical and mental - that’s what matters. The rest isn’t that serious.

2. Bet on yourself

If you have a lingering feeling that there’s more meant for you but you’re torn between putting yourself out there or staying put, bet on yourself every time. Your 20’s are a time when you can take risks and still recover in the long term. I bet on myself when I quit my biglaw job to explore other career avenues and I haven’t looked back since.

3. You need less money than you think

When we’re young it’s easy to think we need millions of dollars to live the life we want. I used to think nothing less than $200,000 was sufficient for my lifestyle. I realized after quitting my job that I could actually be happy with significantly less money than my biglaw salary. Housing, food, bills, debt payments, and a bit for fun and savings/investing. That’s all you really need. A lot of money will get you an expensive life, but the things that give you a rich life - deep relationships, healthy habits, quality time with our tribes - are priceless.

4. There’s no replacement for effort in relationships

If you want to stay friends, pick up the phone and call. Leave a voicemail. Put effort into planning group trips. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. There’s no substitute for raw effort in maintaining and building relationships. The longer time goes by the more folks go in separate directions. That’s just life, especially in your 20s when you’re figuring out how to navigate adulthood. I’m still close friends with my high school buddies because we make an active effort to see each other and stay connected (thanks for the help, Fortnite).

5. Autonomy over titles

Titles are like trophies: they’re great for clout but at the end of the day they’re empty cups. Autonomy, on the other hand, is like driving a car instead of riding passenger: you’re in control. More autonomy in one’s career is often more fulfilling than fancy titles.

6. If you want what doesn’t exist, you can make it

Don’t take no for an answer. Imagine what you want and go create it. At Harvard there wasn’t a student club focused on networking amongst West Coast students, so a classmate and I made the West Coast Club. In Biglaw I was frustrated at how the industry shunned innovation and flexible pricing models. I quit and made a firm that embraced both. It’s not easy, but if you want something that isn’t offered it doesn’t mean you’re out of luck. You just might need to get creative. Your 20’s are a great time to experiment and try things out.

7. Social media sucks

Plain and simple. It’s designed to short-circuit your brain with constant dopamine hits. It’s addicting. It gives you FOMO. End result is predictable: emptiness, anxiety, depression, and dissatisfaction with life. 

8. Asking for help is strength, not weakness

I got reamed by my boss at The White House for not asking for help and instead giving her a subpar work product. Prior to that moment, I’d always thought asking for guidance meant I’d be perceived as weak or incompetent. To the contrary, asking for help is human. It shows you’re comfortable not having the answers and seeking them out.

9. Breathing is medicine

Deep, controlled breathing reduces stress, oxygenates the brain, resets your heart rate, & slows things down. It’s the basis of meditation for a reason. I didn’t consistently practice deep breathing until I was neck-deep in burnout mid-pandemic at 27. My early and mid 20s were more stressful because of it. Breathe. 

10. A personal brand is very important

Your reputation is everything. Especially in a digital world, building a personal brand for yourself can lead you to countless experiences and opportunities from jobs, interviews, features in the press, even new friendships. My online brand landed me most of my initial clients for my firm, and still provides speaking, networking, and career opportunities. 

11. You aren’t alone, you have yourself

You are never alone. You always have yourself. Learn how to practice self talk - talking to yourself back and forth as if you’re a different person - especially what’s weighing on you. When I learned this in my late 20’s I no longer felt the need for folks to listen to me to learn new things about myself. I could do it on my own.

12. Discipline is a superpower 

The thing that sets apart successful people from others is their ability to be disciplined in their endeavors. No one ever won a nobel prize scrolling social media and ordering Doordash or partying during finals week. Protect, enhance, and practice your ability to stay disciplined. I witnessed dozens of classmates at Berkeley who began as pre-med but lacked focus, tanked their GPAs, and ended up switching out of the med track entirely. The ones who became doctors knew how to stay disciplined and curated their life to protect their focus.

13. Good things take time. Great things take decades.

The better something is, the longer it probably took. It’s easy when we’re young to expect success quickly and give up when we don’t see results fast enough. We want it NOW. The reality is that true success takes years - and often decades - to come to fruition. MLK, Obama, Nelson Mandela, JFK, even Joe Biden didn’t find success overnight. It was built over their lives.

14. You are the company you keep

You’re going to reflect the values, sense of humor, personality, energy, and passion of the folks you spend most of your time with. Choose wisely.

15. Exist outside and you’ll be happier

Read, walk, golf, eat, meditate, sleep, work, hike. Doing it outside will make you feel better.

16. If you want more pleasure experience more pain

Counterintuitive? Indeed. But it’s true. Chasing pleasure constantly will lead you down a predictable path: more food, drugs, sex, and indulgence to top the last high. I discovered this when I went through a stoner phase and kept pushing to smoke more and more and more than the last time just to achieve the same satisfaction from the prior high. It was a never-ending unhealthy loop. Balancing pleasure with “painful” activities like meditation, exercise, reading, deep work, or studying, on the other hand, will make good times even better and leave you more fulfilled in the long run.

17. Hungry? Eat a yogurt.

It’s high in protein, (relatively) healthy, cheap, and if you get Greek it’s low in fat. Perfect as a late-night snack, breakfast, or dessert. This one helped me avoid many late-night taco bell orders. 

18. Other people aren’t enjoying themselves like you think they are

I went to Neon Carnival at Coachella. It’s talked about in LA as one of “the” afterparties to get into. As my friend Sim and I screamed lyrics in the front row of the crowd, there was a group of VIPs in the lounge area next to the DJ booth. These folks were the “it” of the “it” crowd. They were snapping pics for social media & folks who saw the stories probably thought they were having a great time. The reality? They weren’t. They sat silent most of the night, scrolling their phones. Social media is the highlight reel doomed to give us FOMO. Reality is a different story. 

19. Journaling is therapy

If everyone journaled 10 minutes a day I’m convinced wars would end and we’d solve world hunger in a month. Journaling is a free, simple, & ever-present way to emotionally support yourself. It helped me out of depression during the pandemic and remains a steadfast sidekick in my mental health toolkit to this day.

20. Don’t expect those at “the top” to have things figured out

There’s an underlying assumption in hierarchical systems that those higher in the chain are more knowledgeable, experts, or wiser. Not true. Age is just a number, and seniority is just a title. I’ve seen some of the richest and most successful attorneys make ass-backward comments about women. My old law firm, despite being a primary legal service provider for technology companies, had basic tech problems for years. Never assume those in power know something you don’t. 

And with that, it’s been real, 20’s. 

30’s, you’re up.

—

1. It’s not that Serious

2. Bet on Yourself

3. You need less money than you think

4. There’s no replacement for persistent effort in relationships

5. Autonomy over titles

6. If you want what doesn’t exist, you can make it

7. Social media sucks

8. Asking for help is strength, not weakness

9. Breathing is medicine

10. A personal brand is very important

11. You aren’t alone, you have yourself

12. Discipline is a superpower 

13. Good things take time. Great things take decades.

14. You are the company you keep

15. Exist outside and you’ll be happier

16. If you want more pleasure experience more pain

17. Hungry? Eat a yogurt.

18. Other people aren’t enjoying themselves like you think they are

19. Journaling is therapy

20. Don’t expect those at “the top” to have things figured out

—

Win an Apple Watch! 

Thanks for reading! As you know 2024 promises to be a huge year with the Presidential election coming up. If you want to support the Democrats as we fight authoritarianism, stand by facts, and enact progressive policy, consider donating to help the Democrats flip George Santos’ former Congressional seat. The special election will be held in a month and every dollar donated helps knock on more doors and get the message out about the democratic candidate, Tom Suozzi. You can donate to a SUPER PAC supporting his candidacy here and as a special bonus, you’ll be entered into a raffle for a new Apple Watch! This giveaway is not affiliated with Substack.

---